What have I learned in the past 2 years?
When you grow up and think wider and deeper, you will realize that each thing has its own meaning in our life. Thus, the thing itself is not “bad” or “good” . It’s just that its impact on us human is the feeling of “pleasant” “comfortable” “acceptable” or “scared” “afraid” “refused” which is built upon our social problems at that moment. So don’t hesitate to come to a conclusion that something, or somebody, is “bad” or “good”. Try to look at every sides of it, which side does good and which side does bad. Only then decide whether it is “bad” or “good” based on the level of importance of those sides on mentioned subject.
I keep being troubled whether I should change myself for the one I love. I have always thought that I will never become more girly for anyone since it’s just really unfair for girls to suffer from too much problems and receive so much disadvantages such as period, high heels, tight dresses, giving birth, etc. If so then why do I have to be a girl? Plus I was traumatized by some events preventing me from loving being a girl, which are resulted from my own stupid mistakes. Moreover, I don’t like being forced to do something just because normal people do it, for example, acting all sweetly and cutie-ly in front of my bf (OR gf, well), spending all the time with him (OR her), baking and knitting and all every other girly stuff for my bf (gf), blahblah … I do things because I like it, and I will not force my self to do anything that I hate just for the sake of anyone else. “I do what I want” (Loki). The other person must love me for who I am, not the one he(she) wants me to be. Hence, to me, changing myself for someone is a “bad” thing. Having said that, if the person I love can make me give up bad habits and become a better person then it should be “good” to me. Because of that only person, I can work harder by encouragement to finish all of my drawing projects and researches; spend more time for my study by group-studying with him (her) and at the same time feel happier and more alive as we are together. Because of that only person, I pay more attention to my appearance so no more sloppy and saggy clothes, no more grouchy face in the morning, no more picking noses or scratching butt or farting (wut, I never do such things). If then, will it be “good” to me?
Love is nothing you can give away so easily since it comes along with Faith, Dream, and Lust (It’s not like I am influenced by 30 Seconds to Mars, it’s just that I so agree with these guy about this fact. Read more about the concept of Love Lust Faith + Dream album by them you’ll understand more about what I really mean. Basically Love Lust Faith + Dream are the most essential matters that make up our life). I’m the kind of person that don’t trust many people but once I do, I will never doubt them a single thing, so that’s why selecting friends and partners before I become closed to them is never being underestimated, at least not anymore after that incident. Now I know once you have given your trust the wrong one the only thing you get back is pain and hatred and disappointment on the rest of the nothing-have-to-do-with world. And it’s not a cool feeling.
“And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes”
Christina Perri – Jar of Hearts
Luckily I still can gain back my heart. After that I have really learned how to see through people, how to rely on my beloved family and friends, how not to give away my care and tears for some more kind of trash. Moreover, I will never let anyone choose or interfere with my hobbies, wishes and my dreams anymore. Once again, I hate being forced or pressured to do things that I don’t want to, so no one can wish me to fulfill THEIR dream. . AND, most important, I will never, ever think of going around teasing with others ‘s hearts again, which can give both me and the other unpleasant feeling and memories.
When I find something or someone I love, I must go for it and take what I want even if it seems almost impossible because actually NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE. It’s just my laziness and cowardliness that prevent me from reaching to the thing I love. From now on, I will never refuse any chance to take my happiness. Happiness is earned by fighting and working really hard and seizelessly. I will have nothing if I don’t lift a finger and just simply look up or envy people’s success and perfection, not even bother to wonder why I cannot be like ’em. Life is short, and youth is much shorter then why not try my best to live and work and earn and be happy with everything earned by my very own self? I believe we are born to be happy, and again, happiness is only earned by fighting.
(…to be continued, maybe)
These words are not only for my self to remind me of what I’ve through but also for the people I care about. I hope they can learn something for themselves and
“Everything that I went through,
I’m grateful you won’t have to do”
P!nk – Run